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Brett Kavanaugh Offers to Pay for Wall by Recycling His Empties | The New Yorker

The newest Supreme Court Justice said that the inspiration came to him while he was building a beer-can pyramid in his basement rec room. Source: Brett Kavanaugh Offers to Pay for Wall by Recycling His Empties | The New Yorker

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Leaders of ISIS and Al Qaeda Puzzled Why Trump Has Not Invited Them to White House

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The leaders of ISIS and Al Qaeda said on Friday that they were totally perplexed as to why Donald J. Trump had not yet invited them to the White House. via Leaders of ISIS and Al Qaeda Puzzled Why Trump Has Not Invited Them to White House

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“I Was Never This Blatant,” Says Benedict Arnold in Hell

“Traitors put a lot of thought, planning, and subtletly into every one of their actions and utterances,” he said. “When I look at these so-called acts of treason, I have to ask, Where’s the professionalism? Where’s the work ethic? The sloppiness and sheer idiocy of it all is jaw-dropping. via “I Was Never This Blatant,” […]

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Public Demands Investigation of Why F.B.I. Infiltrators in Trump Campaign Failed to Prevent Him from Being Elected

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans are demanding an investigation into why, if F.B.I. operatives managed to infiltrate the 2016 Trump campaign, they utterly failed to prevent a nightmarish despot from being elected. via Public Demands Investigation of Why F.B.I. Infiltrators in Trump Campaign Failed to Prevent Him from Being Elected

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Trump Orders Replica Nobel Peace Prize to Display on His Desk

The White House press secretary said that Trump “took the initiative” to award himself the Peace Prize rather than “waiting around” for the Nobel committee. Trump Orders Replica Nobel Peace Prize to Display on His Desk To put it next to his fake Time Man of the Year cover?

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Man Ravaged by Amnesia Somehow Able to Hold Down Demanding Legal Job

Man Ravaged by Amnesia Somehow Able to Hold Down Demanding Legal Job

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Many in Nation Tired of Explaining Things to Idiots – The New Yorker

Many in Nation Tired of Explaining Things to Idiots – The New Yorker While millions have been vexed for some time by their failure to explain basic information to dolts, that frustration has now reached a breaking point.

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Rand Paul Joins Crowded Field of People Who Will Never Be President – The New Yorker

Rand Paul Joins Crowded Field of People Who Will Never Be President – The New Yorker Former Texas Governor Rick Perry, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, and neurosurgeon Ben Carson are just a few of the men thought to be considering squandering time and money pursuing an office that they […]

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Kerry Claims U.S. Has Found a Moderate Syrian Rebel

Kerry Claims U.S. Has Found a Moderate Syrian Rebel Kerry said that the government’s successful identification of a moderate Syrian rebel was a major victory that should silence critics of the U.S.’s strategy in Iraq and Syria. Andy Borowitz doing a great job pointing out how mock-worthy the moderate rebel strategy is.

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Obama Signs Passive-Aggressive Executive Order

Obama Signs Passive-Aggressive Executive Order Telling Congress, “It’s O.K., I don’t mind doing everything myself,” President Obama prepared to sign a passive-aggressive executive order on Tuesday.